Yall I dont know lol.
I don't know when my boyfriend of officially 4 years is going to propose to me. That's a question only he can answer, just like will I say "Yes" or "No" when the time comes, is a question only I can answer.
What I'd like to talk about today though is the pressures that not only society, but also myself have placed upon young couples and marriage. I will be the first to admit I would love for my boyfriend to propose to me and we get married in a year or two. That's the heart wanting what it wants, and me still trying to live out this fairytale of:
Step 1. Get a degree
Step 2. Get married
Step 3. Have babies
Step 4. Grow old with two dogs, and
Step 5. Live happily ever after.
Then I remember I'm only 22 and I do not have life figured out or what I'm trying to do next in life.
On the other hand I also have my close friends and support system asking "Who's next?" "Must be Cheyenne and her boyfriend, they've been together forever." I won't name who said this next one, but we have been asked when someone is getting their grandbabies - obviously after getting married first, and that one still blows my mind. Not saying the Lord won't make a way and I won't figure out how to support and take care of a child if that ever happens unplanned, but let's just say I barely take care of myself and my dog. Kudos to all the young moms and/or dads out there doing their thing. I am so proud of y'all.
Do you see what I mean though? There's this pressure that I placed on myself to get married at a young age while planning out my life as a young girl. I still stick by some of the things. Like I want my first kid popped out before I'm 30. As time continues I'm sure I'll continue to push that age deadline and many others back though, because not too long ago I said I wanted my first kid out by age 26 lol.
Not only that but it's hard not to think about it. I see people around me who've been together less than he and I have, and these couples live together or are engaged to each other. Or I'm online seeing the beautiful proposals and people tweeting about moving in together. Or people whose lives I do know about that have no business living together and they are. It's like did we miss the memo? Almost makes me wonder am I bit defective at times, even though I know I'm not, the dark thoughts sometimes find their way in.
I stare at my phone and I sit and I wonder you know when is it gonna be my time?
Then I have to remind myself not to compare what I'm experiencing with someone else's experiences. My time will come and my chapter 22 doesn't look like my friends chapter 22.
So, today is our actual anniversary making it 4 long and beautiful years of a roller-coaster ride that we've been together. I promise you it seems like time has absolutely flown by when I sit back and think about it. And I won't refute the fact that I'd love for him to propose to me any day now because yes 4 years is a long time. Sometimes I think how can you be with someone for that long and not be ready? Then reality smacks me dead in the face as I begin to pour over finances and the types of changes that would need to be made and prepared for, or things about myself that I still need to work on, and I remember that I'm not ready. Not completely. The love is there.
See I think it takes a bit more than just loving each other to want to finally commit to each other.
As any other marriage we know that finances are a huge part of it. Let's be real: money makes the world go round. Determining where we can afford to live, if we can afford to pay these bills really by ourselves because let's be honest: some if not most of us are receiving a little bit of help from mom & dad if we're blessed enough. So as much as I love being independent and doing what it takes to survive out here by giving it my 100%; I can't ignore the fact that I'm still getting some support. Support from parents, support from him, and support from God.
Yes, we could just tie the knot and hope for the best, but he and I are pretty straightforward and logical thinking people so it's not in our nature.
Also, I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm saying. It's not all about finances - that just plays a big role in our decisions. It's also about where we want to be personally. I know that there are things that he and I are both working on internally to help ourselves, which will in turn be a positive effect for the people around us. There's so much that I discovered about myself while experiencing life with him these past few years, and there's a lot that I have had to face, deal with, and overcome because I couldn't let those things continue on. I know I'm not perfect and neither is he, but it's that continuous effort to better ourselves and each other that pushes us to be great people.
What I'd like to leave with is: Let's watch what pressures we may be unconsciously applying on people. It is okay for those of you who will be going home for the holidays shortly to be: Single. Unmarried. Or without a kid. Time will run its course in all of our lives.
Thanks for reading you guys.